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5 Reasons Why the iPhone 7 Sucks

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We all know how important the current Trump vs. Hillary Clinton debate is, but we also know that Apple’s new launches are a matter graver than the political front. Hence, we’re going to tell you why the iPhone 7 sucks because it’s critical to educate people on what really matters.

It’s not because Apple simply painted the iPhone 6s black and dubbed it the iPhone 7; it’s because Apple decided to take the jack off. And if you think there couldn’t be any more reasons for the iPhone 7 to suck more than it already does, we’re about to give you a reality check.

If you’re an iPhone fanboy, please accept our sincerest apology in advance. We know it sucks to be stuck in an ecosystem where you are limited to moving your icons around and call it customization, but let’s face it; you’re too gullible to realize you’re being duped out of your money.

For the rest, here are five reasons why the iPhone 7 sucks and why you should continue belittling iPhone fanboys:

1. It’s an iPhone 6s wrapped in black

If you’re not an Apple fan, you can probably count how many years it’s been since iPhone 6 was released. And if you can remember, iPhone 6 introduced the design back in 2014 we now see on the iPhone 7. On the technology calendar, two years is akin to two decades.

In contrast to all other smartphone manufacturers, the once world’s most valuable company decided to give their R&D department a vacation:

Let’s play a game of spot the difference!

You can’t blame them, though. Apple knew well in advance that if they said the new iPhone was water-resistant and came in a new color, iSheeps would flock their stores. So they bumped up the processor speed, which is practically useless since the last iPhone was capable enough, and slapped a new color on top. Innovation at its finest.

2. It doesn’t have the headphone jack

We weren’t going to miss this opportunity. Let’s contemplate what must have gone down in the meeting for the iPhone 7:

Tim Cook: Good Morning. How’s everybody?

Everybody: Good morning, Tim. Before you ask us what we did last night, can we discuss the iPhone 7, please? The launch is right around the corner.

Tim: What did you do last night, Jony?

Jony Ive: Jack off.

Tim: Pardon?

Jony Ive: Ugh… We should take the jack off from the iPhone. You know…

Tim: That’s a crazy idea. I LOVE IT!

Jony Ive: Yeah yeah. And since we’re days away from the September event, let’s keep the same design as last year, and the year before that, and call it a day.

Tim: You’re a freaking genius, Jonathan. Guys, here’s what we’re going to do to save money; We’re gonna play a game with the iSheeps…

The only way to get the jack back in iPhone 7. Try it

Fine, you can still use the lightning port to listen to your music, but it’s going to be fun when you want to charge it at the same time.

3. The Camera Bump

It’s not just a camera bump on the iPhone 7. It is THE camera bump. The bump to put all bumps on the market to shame. It’s like Apple decided to punish the legacy of Steve Jobs and circulated a memo of ugly design throughout the company. Hence, the bump. It’s bigger, it’s uglier, and it’s beefier than before.

You can play X Games around it…

It’s almost like the iPhone 7 has a tumor. It’s a cancer phone, we get it, but to make it this obvious and still sell is commendable. Credit should be given where it’s due.

4. It’ll cost you peanuts (NOT)

Let’s come to the obvious now. If the iPhone probably sold at $200 to $350 price point, it would have been worth a consider. Even then, with the limitations and features from 1960’s, it would’ve felt like a waste. However, Apple sells it at a small starting price of God Damn $649 and goes up to a meager $969 for the largest capacity Plus model.

…because we know you’ll buy one even if we sell it at $6490.99

There’s no surprise then that the search trend for selling body organs rises when an iPhone launch is near. It makes even less sense now to purchase one since Apple is trolling you by degrading you to an inferior product. So in a way, it will cost you peanuts, but the bags of peanuts you’ll be carrying can probably feed an entire city.

5. AirPods

Apple outdid itself at being stupid. As if we couldn’t see that Apple was removing the jack to increase the sales for their wireless headphones that were piling in the warehouse, they came up with the AirPods.

Now it seems OK to introduce a product that will complement the iPhone 7. But when it’s AirPods, people should lose their shit. First, it costs a hundred and sixty dollars. Apple expects people to shell out further money to buy an expensive earphone that is designed to look like ugly tampons hanging out of the ear? Yeah, nothing wrong with that.

And let’s ignore the fact that people will be losing these things like crazy; also charging them every 5 hours; buying them again every five days, and most importantly keep paying Apple to continue their legacy of recent idiosyncracies.

The inevitable

True, the iPhone 7 doesn’t explode. But it also doesn’t serve any more purpose than a brick. If you don’t think the iPhone 7 sucks now, then you’re probably just another iPhone sheep who likes to keep their eyes closed!

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